Last night, I, Andrea Kszystyniak, a white girl, born and raised in the suburbs of Providence, Rhode Island, saw Wu Tang Clan live and in concert.
Despite the absence of RZA and GZA, the whole family was there, putting on a spellbinding performance with hits like “Bring Da’ Ruckus”, “C.R.E.A.M.” and “Reunited”. It was just perfect.
Except for one thing.
Never in my life have I felt so out of place. I have moshed with 300 pound men at Dropkick Murphys shows, been embarrassed by drunken friends during an interview with Fake Problems and been rendered utterly speechless by Rhett Miller from the Old 97’s. None of the above compared to how awkward the initial fifteen minutes at Wu Tang was for me. I love the group but for some reason, I felt it was inappropriate for me to be present and try to become a part of a culture that I admittedly and quite unfortunately, know very little about.
I squirmed, unsure if it was appropriate for me to dance. I awkwardly tossed my “W” in the air, putting it down anytime someone else in the crowd gave me a sideways glance. I outright refused all responsives. I hid the fact that yeah, I know most of the lyrics to most of the songs performed. I spent half the time trying to decode what the people in front of me were talking about, using slang that I have never, ever run across previously.
However, as time went on, I became accustomed to the thickest layer of cannabis smoke I have ever seen, coating Lupo’s Heartbreak Hotel. I ignored the two couples getting really really really really really physical in front of me. I stopped focusing on my own inadequacies and just let go.
I must say, I am a damn good Wu Tang fan. I bopped. I danced. I rapped. I chanted "WUUUUUUU TANNNNGGG" at the top of my lungs. I pounded my fist, screaming along with everything I could.
And I had the time of my life.
This leads me to my next point:
Wu Tang Clan should take me on as their tenth member.
Reason 1 – Wu Tang needs new perspective. – Now, of course, I know nothing about the streets of Staten Island. I have never shot a gun. I am not a member of an affluent, underground and sometimes brutal society. But, I do know a great deal about the Midwestern corridor, Shakespearean plays and the 1960’s. I feel that this would allow Wu Tang to not only expand their lyrical allegories but also, add a new layer to their lyrical possibilities.
Reason 2 – I am a halfway decent freestyle rapper. – I could definitely hold my own in a rap battle. Granted, the raps I produced would be ridiculous and rhyme things like “kumquat” and “dog squat”, I think a bit of humor would certainly help the Wu.
Reason 3 – I can write beats – I have been drumming on and off for about seven years. Wu Tang needs ill beats? I’m on it like... Timbaland.
Reason 4 - I’m enthusiastic and a fast learner. – Zealous and eager to achieve stardom in the rap world, I would give every performance everything I had. You need to make act tough? I’ve got the meanest, grizzly bear, ‘I’ll cut your throat’ face this side of the Atlantic Ocean. If I’m doing something wrong, just spend about 30 seconds explaining how to fix it and I’ll be just grand. I know how to rile up a crowd. I also have public speaking skills. I mean, c’mon, I was captain of my high school debate team…
Reason 5 – Diversity? – Look at me. Look at Wu Tang. ‘Nough said.
Reason 6 – Money. Money. Money. - As a poor college student, I have 70 dollars in my bank account and have yet to buy books. A budding career in rap will certainly help me out on my quest to become a “cash money millionaire”. At least, more than this degree in journalism…
There you have it.
Wu Tang, feel free to email me at andrea.kszystyniak@gmail.com
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